“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918
French Poet, Philosopher
February 25, 2006
February 23, 2006
Are you creative?
I have vowed to let my creative side out in 2006. These are some the ways I plan to accomplish this.
1. Postcards4Peace Create & send at least one postcard to this site.
http://community.livejournal.com/postcards4peace/
You create or mail a postcard with your wishes for peace written on the front. It is not a political or religous site. Just a site inteneded to promote World Peace.
2.Become an active PostCrosser.
http://www.postcrossing.com/about
Membership is free. You submit your information & request up to FIVE addresses of fellow postcrossers. You can purchase post cards or make your own & send them to the addresses you receive. Once the postcard has been registered by the receiver as having been received, you can request more addresses. You recieve cards in the same manner from all over the world. I will share my post crds with you that I get from far away lands!
3.I made & mailed out my one & only secret that NOBODY other than myself knows about. Even if it never gets posted to the website, it felt good just to "tell" someone about it. New secrets are posted each Sunday.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
1. Postcards4Peace Create & send at least one postcard to this site.
http://community.livejournal.com/postcards4peace/
You create or mail a postcard with your wishes for peace written on the front. It is not a political or religous site. Just a site inteneded to promote World Peace.
2.Become an active PostCrosser.
http://www.postcrossing.com/about
Membership is free. You submit your information & request up to FIVE addresses of fellow postcrossers. You can purchase post cards or make your own & send them to the addresses you receive. Once the postcard has been registered by the receiver as having been received, you can request more addresses. You recieve cards in the same manner from all over the world. I will share my post crds with you that I get from far away lands!
3.I made & mailed out my one & only secret that NOBODY other than myself knows about. Even if it never gets posted to the website, it felt good just to "tell" someone about it. New secrets are posted each Sunday.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
February 21, 2006
I made my first paper crane this morning!
I was cruising the net this morning while all others in my home were asleep. I found a site with simple to follow diagrams (simple for me) to make a crane. I will post a picture when I get the digital images downloaded to the computer.
The site is: http://www.sadako.com
When I blew the hole on the bottom to open the body of my crane & put it down I got all happy like a little kid. I heard myself saying “Cool! I DID it! I ACTUALLY made this crane WOW!”
Who would have thought that a bunch of folds on a piece of paper could make me feel so good? LOL!
My oldest daughter really has enjoyed playing with my Paper Crane today.
The site is: http://www.sadako.com
When I blew the hole on the bottom to open the body of my crane & put it down I got all happy like a little kid. I heard myself saying “Cool! I DID it! I ACTUALLY made this crane WOW!”
Who would have thought that a bunch of folds on a piece of paper could make me feel so good? LOL!
My oldest daughter really has enjoyed playing with my Paper Crane today.
February 20, 2006
A Love Hate Relationship
Let me start off by saying this a vent about some members of my immediate family. I love them because they are my family but that does not obligate me to LIKE them or their actions right now.
My family consists of the following:
My family consists of the following:
- Dad (aka as liar & exaggerator extrodinaire)
- Mom (original drama queeen & Master Manipulator)
- Brother 1 (Know it all & general F.I.T.Head pissyface)
- Brother 2 (Sir Jock & fantastic Father to his only child)
- Sister 1 (myself the ex-drama queen workiing to change her ways)
- Sister 2 (intelligent, smart & silent mother of 3 on the East Coast)
For all of the good my family has done for me & how much they have loved me in the past, I love them. This latest bit of drama makes me sick.
ASSUMING this all to be 100% true, it really is sickening to me.
In a nutshell, my parents don't have insurance for my mothers impending operation. Accusations are flying that my Dad & B1 are purposely trying to play on my grandmothers easily confused state of mind & get as much $$$ as they can out of her. Meanwhile, B2 calls & chews out B1 for his actions & most probably being the "ringleader" in this latest financial saga. Then there is S1 (me) who has heard from B2 & Aunt that B1 told them that I called B1 & chewed his ass for his manipulative ways concerneing my Grandmother! I HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM OF THIS! Yes I am pissed off that B1 has told B2 & Aunt that I chewed his ass on the phone when I didn't even SPEAK to him on the phone or otherwise about ANY of this crap! For the first time in my life I have kept my mouth shut & I am STILL being dragged into this crap & having words & entire conversations put into my mouth that NEVER happened! It doesn't mean that I don't want to say anything about the drama, I do. I have kept my mouth shut only because my daughter is very attatched to her Uncle & her Grandparents & I cannot take those relationships from her. If I said what was truly on my mind about the actions of some, I would effectively sever the ties that my daughter holds so dear. Instead I am standing by the sidelines, keeping my mouth shut & being a sounding board for those family members that need it. Meanwhile, my stomach churns in disgust to even think that what B1 is being accused of, taking advantage of my grandmother's generous nature & her savings that she must live on. Excuse me but WHY IN THE HE!! MUST MY FAMILY ACT LIKE A BUNCH OF SEVENTH GRADE GIRLS RIGHT NOW! The ones I am speaking of are Mom, Dad & B1. NOT included in this are S1 (me), S2 & B2. It is beyond time for those acting like Middle School aged children to grow up, suck it up & support THEMSELVES & STOP living off the hard work & compassion of others. They are financial Vampires & will suck those around them dry!
Enough said & I feel a bit better now.
Thanks
Enough said
February 10, 2006
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Right now I am dealing with one of my BIGGEST problems in my quest to lose weight....emotional eating. I knew I was doing that last night as I stuffed animal crackers down my throat but I was counting them to. How weird is that? If I had bought any junk food when I did grocery shopping Monday then I would have REALLY done some damage. I was proud of myself & didn't buy any of it. Not even chewing gum! At least I am aware I was eating because I was upset about my mom. I guess if I eat due to emotions today I'll try to steer myself toward the salad in the fridge.
*NOTE* Today makes FOUR days without caffeine OR soda pop consumption! WOO HOO! I've had the headache, stomachache & the even the shakes. Those were all mainly on Wednesday. Thursday I was feeling REALLY sluggish both mentally & physically. Today, I am feeling pretty good so far. As good as I can feel anyway, all things considered. I know in the end that dumping the soda habit will go a long way in my weight loss efforts & I will feel much better. I will have to adopt a new saying when I am tempted to drink it again.
"Soda...it's just not worth it!" I say that because I have kicked this particular habit before, only to drink more of it when I start up again. I know from past experience that I am a person that cannot have even a little bit....or I won't be able to stop when it comes to soda. The sad thing is that I have KNOWN this....for YEARS now. I remember telling my sister that very thing about myself shortly after she graduated from Vet school! She graduated back in 1999! (insert Prince song here)
*NOTE* Today makes FOUR days without caffeine OR soda pop consumption! WOO HOO! I've had the headache, stomachache & the even the shakes. Those were all mainly on Wednesday. Thursday I was feeling REALLY sluggish both mentally & physically. Today, I am feeling pretty good so far. As good as I can feel anyway, all things considered. I know in the end that dumping the soda habit will go a long way in my weight loss efforts & I will feel much better. I will have to adopt a new saying when I am tempted to drink it again.
"Soda...it's just not worth it!" I say that because I have kicked this particular habit before, only to drink more of it when I start up again. I know from past experience that I am a person that cannot have even a little bit....or I won't be able to stop when it comes to soda. The sad thing is that I have KNOWN this....for YEARS now. I remember telling my sister that very thing about myself shortly after she graduated from Vet school! She graduated back in 1999! (insert Prince song here)
I managed to gain 4 pounds at Disneyland & Bob gained 5. I started to journal my food & then said "F" it! I am on vacation. I DID wear my pedometer though. We walked ALOT for a couple of chunks that aren't used to walking much.
As for the trip NOT related to eating goes, we had fun. Only one ride we really wanted to go on was closed. Of course it was one Elizabeth remembered from our first trip & wanted to ride as well. The Haunted Mansion was closed. They were undecorating it from Christmas. *sniff sniff*
We rode Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters FIVE times at Elizabeths request. I got to ride three rides that I've ALWAYS wanted to but they were closed or the line was 2 hours long to ride them. They were Autotopia, The Matterhorn Bobsleds & It's a Small World. Liz rode Autotopia & the Matterhorn with me. She also rode The Matterhorn with Bobby. Charlotte rode everything EXCEPT Autotopia & The Matterhorn. She was too small to ride both of them. Lizzys fav was Buzz Lightyear. Charlottes was probably Small World. We also filled two autograph books with signatures from characters in three days & had lunch with the Princesses.
Thats about all for now as I need to eat before the baby wakes up again.
February 07, 2006
My Mother has WHAT? Squamous Cell Carcinoma?
Forgive me in advance if this post gets long winded or rambles. As you read you may understand why my thoughts are a big jumble right now.
I was in Disneyland this past Saturday, looking for my husband on Main Street, as I was hungry & had told him I would be on the street watching the parade when he finished in the gift shop. I look out a door of the shop to see him motioning for me to come over to him. I'm thinking to myself "damm! Charlotte JUST got to sleep & The Parade of Dreams is going to wake her up. This had better be important." He hands me his cell phone telling me call my mom. There's an emergency at home & she won't tell me about it". We both figured that someone had died, as there are several relatives, my father included, that aren't in the best of health. I retreated into the gift shop to call my mother, her voice was a bit panicked. She told me my dad was in California working & my brother was at a friends house so could I come get her & take her to the hospital. I then had to tell her I wasn't in the state & was at Disneyland so I wasn't able to take her. She asked me why I didn't tell her we were going so I just said it was a last minute thing. I didn't want to tell her I thought she was a nosy bitty & it was none of her business, so I told her the last minute thing instead. asking her what was wrong I heard the panick rise in her voice a bit. She tells me that the growth she has on the back of her head, about golf ball size for the past few years, exploded. It's contents were covering the curtian behind her couch, part of her couch, the entire back of her shirt & had saturated TWO bath towels. She was pulling chunks of green stuff about the consistancy of grissle out of her hair & that she could put her finger inside the hole & felt more chunks inside her head. Then she proceeds to tell me that she was thinking about taking a pair of scissiors to her head to see if she could get more out! That is when I was on the verge of losing it completely! I remember telling her "Don't take sicissors to your head! Keep your fingers out of it! Call Bill! Call an ambulance! Mom if I get home to find out that you have made things worse by sticking your fingers in it or cutting it open with scissors, I will tell you everything I feel like saying to you right now & so help me it WON'T be nice!" Keep in mind I am standing near the door of the main gift shop on main street Disneyland at 3pm & am noticing that there is nobody anywhere near me. I can't even imagine what anybody that heard my end of the conversation was thinking to themselves, not that I honestly care much. I talked mom into calling Bill & telling her I would call her when I returned home on Sunday. As soon as I hung up the phone with her I silently fell apart. I stood next to the door & cried the ugly cry silently as I watched my husband outside with our girls watching the parade. I was SO mad at my mom & SO frustrated because I grew up with her maniuplating me & pushing my buttons. I thought to myself "damm her! She did it...AGAIN!" I was feeling helpless & worrying about her at the same time, KNOWING that she would make every excuse to keep from going to the hospital.
After the parade passed & Bobby took Liz to get Tiggers autograph I called my Dad making him promise to make her go to the hospital if she hadn't gone when he got home from Cali. He did. Less than an hour later he left a voicemail assuring me that Bill was making her go to the hospital & he would call me if it was anything I needed to come home for immediately. That night I hardly slept & when I did had nightmares of my mothers entire head exploding all over her livingroom.
After we finished our visit with Bobs Grandma Marie, I called Dad to get the scoop. That is when I heard it! The news that kids don't ever want to hear. Not death, but the OTHER medical news no child wants to hear. The Emergency Room doctors told mom that it looks like she has cancer. CANCER! WTF! Dad was very clam & matter of fact about it all. Telling me it looks like Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which is a type of skin cancer. He said it is a very aggressive cancer & the survival rate is only about 15% for 12 to 18 months. As I hear this I begin to tear up & try to keep my voice from wavering so my Daddy couldn't hear it. It is a cancer that attacks soft tissue so it being on the back of her head is the best possible location for it to be in. I didn't comprehend everything he said, but I do remember him saying this cancer has a tendency to send off feelers & there is concern about it heading for moms spinal cord. It was shortly after that I told him I needed to go & take care of the baby. The baby was fine, I just knew I wouldn't be able to hold my composure, or what was left of it, much longer. I cried silent tears, so I wouldn't alarm my oldest & told my DH the news. It hit a cord with him because his step father passed suffering from Cancer & Valley Fever. It probably took an hour before I called my Grandmother Gaskins (my Moms mom) to see how she was doing, then my sister, then my mother. I've had crying jags since Sunday & I am having one right now. From doing a little research on the net, I know it is curable. The Dr.s are hoping that it is encapsulated & that a core surgery will get it all. It will be two weeks before the test results from Pathology will reach the surgeon. Once they do, Mom was told she will have to very dilligent to get the follow up appointments & surgery scheduled. Whether it is cancer or not, the Dr seems to think it probably was, the rest of that substance will have to be removed. There is no way to avoid it.
My parents & brother went to the bookstore to take a nutritional approach to beating this cancer. Mom says it feels better than sitting there & doing nothing. Working is difficult for her concentrate on, but it helps. She was supposed to watch the girls for a few hours this Saturday so Bobby & I could go out. I told her if she didn't feel up to it, she didn't have to. She said that she wants to see the girls & is looking forward to it. She said that waiting for the results is very difficult & that she is scared but is determined to beat this.
She has to be terrified. I know I am scared & it's not even in my body! I don't know how mom, the family or myself will feel once she gets the results back. All I know is that the family will have to come together to give each other lots of support. In all honestly, I no longer know if this family is capable of doing that. It is sad, but it is also my honest opinion.
Part of me can't help but take the view of "Mom, if you would have had this lump checked into & removed 15 years ago like us kids were telling you too, maybe this cancer wouldn't have grown on your head. Your head or anywhere for that matter!" Part of me is terrified that it will be too late & the cancer will have already spread. Part of me is scared to see my mom go through this at all. Most of me is scared of lsoing my mom before I'm ready & to have all six of her living grandchildren grow up without their Grandma Tompkins.
As much as my mother drives me crazy & pushes my buttons, she is still my mom & I'm not ready to let her go. We don't have a diagnosis yet. If it si cancer, hopefully it will be treatable, localized & will go away with one surgery.
I will post about the Disney trip when I'm in a better frame of mind to do so.
I was in Disneyland this past Saturday, looking for my husband on Main Street, as I was hungry & had told him I would be on the street watching the parade when he finished in the gift shop. I look out a door of the shop to see him motioning for me to come over to him. I'm thinking to myself "damm! Charlotte JUST got to sleep & The Parade of Dreams is going to wake her up. This had better be important." He hands me his cell phone telling me call my mom. There's an emergency at home & she won't tell me about it". We both figured that someone had died, as there are several relatives, my father included, that aren't in the best of health. I retreated into the gift shop to call my mother, her voice was a bit panicked. She told me my dad was in California working & my brother was at a friends house so could I come get her & take her to the hospital. I then had to tell her I wasn't in the state & was at Disneyland so I wasn't able to take her. She asked me why I didn't tell her we were going so I just said it was a last minute thing. I didn't want to tell her I thought she was a nosy bitty & it was none of her business, so I told her the last minute thing instead. asking her what was wrong I heard the panick rise in her voice a bit. She tells me that the growth she has on the back of her head, about golf ball size for the past few years, exploded. It's contents were covering the curtian behind her couch, part of her couch, the entire back of her shirt & had saturated TWO bath towels. She was pulling chunks of green stuff about the consistancy of grissle out of her hair & that she could put her finger inside the hole & felt more chunks inside her head. Then she proceeds to tell me that she was thinking about taking a pair of scissiors to her head to see if she could get more out! That is when I was on the verge of losing it completely! I remember telling her "Don't take sicissors to your head! Keep your fingers out of it! Call Bill! Call an ambulance! Mom if I get home to find out that you have made things worse by sticking your fingers in it or cutting it open with scissors, I will tell you everything I feel like saying to you right now & so help me it WON'T be nice!" Keep in mind I am standing near the door of the main gift shop on main street Disneyland at 3pm & am noticing that there is nobody anywhere near me. I can't even imagine what anybody that heard my end of the conversation was thinking to themselves, not that I honestly care much. I talked mom into calling Bill & telling her I would call her when I returned home on Sunday. As soon as I hung up the phone with her I silently fell apart. I stood next to the door & cried the ugly cry silently as I watched my husband outside with our girls watching the parade. I was SO mad at my mom & SO frustrated because I grew up with her maniuplating me & pushing my buttons. I thought to myself "damm her! She did it...AGAIN!" I was feeling helpless & worrying about her at the same time, KNOWING that she would make every excuse to keep from going to the hospital.
After the parade passed & Bobby took Liz to get Tiggers autograph I called my Dad making him promise to make her go to the hospital if she hadn't gone when he got home from Cali. He did. Less than an hour later he left a voicemail assuring me that Bill was making her go to the hospital & he would call me if it was anything I needed to come home for immediately. That night I hardly slept & when I did had nightmares of my mothers entire head exploding all over her livingroom.
After we finished our visit with Bobs Grandma Marie, I called Dad to get the scoop. That is when I heard it! The news that kids don't ever want to hear. Not death, but the OTHER medical news no child wants to hear. The Emergency Room doctors told mom that it looks like she has cancer. CANCER! WTF! Dad was very clam & matter of fact about it all. Telling me it looks like Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which is a type of skin cancer. He said it is a very aggressive cancer & the survival rate is only about 15% for 12 to 18 months. As I hear this I begin to tear up & try to keep my voice from wavering so my Daddy couldn't hear it. It is a cancer that attacks soft tissue so it being on the back of her head is the best possible location for it to be in. I didn't comprehend everything he said, but I do remember him saying this cancer has a tendency to send off feelers & there is concern about it heading for moms spinal cord. It was shortly after that I told him I needed to go & take care of the baby. The baby was fine, I just knew I wouldn't be able to hold my composure, or what was left of it, much longer. I cried silent tears, so I wouldn't alarm my oldest & told my DH the news. It hit a cord with him because his step father passed suffering from Cancer & Valley Fever. It probably took an hour before I called my Grandmother Gaskins (my Moms mom) to see how she was doing, then my sister, then my mother. I've had crying jags since Sunday & I am having one right now. From doing a little research on the net, I know it is curable. The Dr.s are hoping that it is encapsulated & that a core surgery will get it all. It will be two weeks before the test results from Pathology will reach the surgeon. Once they do, Mom was told she will have to very dilligent to get the follow up appointments & surgery scheduled. Whether it is cancer or not, the Dr seems to think it probably was, the rest of that substance will have to be removed. There is no way to avoid it.
My parents & brother went to the bookstore to take a nutritional approach to beating this cancer. Mom says it feels better than sitting there & doing nothing. Working is difficult for her concentrate on, but it helps. She was supposed to watch the girls for a few hours this Saturday so Bobby & I could go out. I told her if she didn't feel up to it, she didn't have to. She said that she wants to see the girls & is looking forward to it. She said that waiting for the results is very difficult & that she is scared but is determined to beat this.
She has to be terrified. I know I am scared & it's not even in my body! I don't know how mom, the family or myself will feel once she gets the results back. All I know is that the family will have to come together to give each other lots of support. In all honestly, I no longer know if this family is capable of doing that. It is sad, but it is also my honest opinion.
Part of me can't help but take the view of "Mom, if you would have had this lump checked into & removed 15 years ago like us kids were telling you too, maybe this cancer wouldn't have grown on your head. Your head or anywhere for that matter!" Part of me is terrified that it will be too late & the cancer will have already spread. Part of me is scared to see my mom go through this at all. Most of me is scared of lsoing my mom before I'm ready & to have all six of her living grandchildren grow up without their Grandma Tompkins.
As much as my mother drives me crazy & pushes my buttons, she is still my mom & I'm not ready to let her go. We don't have a diagnosis yet. If it si cancer, hopefully it will be treatable, localized & will go away with one surgery.
I will post about the Disney trip when I'm in a better frame of mind to do so.
February 01, 2006
Mother / Daughter Pedicure
Man I was SO bummed that the pampering at the spa didn't happen Sunday. We were on the way to the spa when we got a call on Bobs cell that I had been cancled. We had no signal when the call came through so we saw the voice mail as soon as we got the signal back. I called to see WHY I was cancled & was told that there was a busted pipe & there was currently 2 inches of water throughout the spa. They didn't know WHEN they would be reopening. Of course, I really LIKE that spa! Instead of a massage at the spa we found a little place that takes walk-ins. I got a pedicure & for an additonal $15 so did our oldest daughter Elizabeth. It worked out great because she had been wanting a "pretty day" & I hadn't had time to have one with her. Bob & Charlotte napped with the windows down in the truck while my oldest princess & I got pedicures. Liz was so well behaved that the lady painted Lizzy's fingernails at no extra charge! Elizabeth could hardley wait to show her Daddy her pretty nails & the flowers on her two big toes. I had fun just watching Elizabeth enjoy herself so much & be so well behaved. I'm just hoping that she doesn't deceide that she wants the Princesses to see her toes. LOL!
I am very impatiently waiting the the photos of Liz gettng her pedicure to download so I can bring this entry to a close.
I have sheets in the dryer & I have a load of dishes in the dishwasher as I type. I am ALWAYS awake when the washer or dryer is running. I am paranoid of a fire starting. When I was in grade school & home for lunch one day, my mom had clothes going in the laundry room. Mom & I smelled smoke about the same time & mom grabbed the fire extingusher & put out the fire caused by our washing machine. The fire department was there in a flash & made sure the fire was indeed out. Nothing was damaged. Only the washing machine ended up being toast. Since then, I cannot sleep or not be home with the washer or dryer running.
After two attempts to get pictures of the "pretty day" up, blogger still isn't letting them through. I guess there will be no "PD" photos at this time.
Sorry!
I am very impatiently waiting the the photos of Liz gettng her pedicure to download so I can bring this entry to a close.
I have sheets in the dryer & I have a load of dishes in the dishwasher as I type. I am ALWAYS awake when the washer or dryer is running. I am paranoid of a fire starting. When I was in grade school & home for lunch one day, my mom had clothes going in the laundry room. Mom & I smelled smoke about the same time & mom grabbed the fire extingusher & put out the fire caused by our washing machine. The fire department was there in a flash & made sure the fire was indeed out. Nothing was damaged. Only the washing machine ended up being toast. Since then, I cannot sleep or not be home with the washer or dryer running.
After two attempts to get pictures of the "pretty day" up, blogger still isn't letting them through. I guess there will be no "PD" photos at this time.
Sorry!
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