My Aunt sent this to me today. I just thought I would share it.
Mary
Enough................... Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough." The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have, " I replied "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?". "I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?". She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory... I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH!!!

Since my last post things have been happening. Not bad things, just things. There was another HOA meeting that lasted for 3 1/2 hours. I won't bore you details but lets just say the man running it was a complete & total unprofessional a$$hole. When he tells people that if they don't like something they should just move......he's an a$$hole.

Next, our neighbor went half with us on new rock for our front yards. When we moved in 2+ years ago, we basically had the left overs of sifted pea gravel. Needless to say, that stuff blows & washes away easily. There were many spots in the yard that all of the raking could no longer cover up the fact we were missing ALOT of gravel. We went with 3/4 inch walker gold gravel & we think it looks great. We've gotten many compliments from neighbors on how nice it looks.

My brother & mom kept our DD over night last Friday. The community we live in was having a community garage sale. The HOA was SUPPOSED to put up signs. They did but they were late AND worthless. We had neon posterboad from a sale that we planned to have but rain cancelled it. So we made signs that said "Community Sale Bagdad Rd" with arrows pointing the way to our street. Our street was the only one that had more than 2 or 3 sales.Our street had TWELVE sales. As soon as our signs went up, the traffic flow was incrediable. There weren't enough places for shoppers & browsers to park! We sold a bunch of crap compaired to what all of the neighbors had, but what we sold was basically what was left over from the three sales we've had over the past 4 years. We still made over $100! A charity is comming out to pick up what we didn't sell next Wednesday. That will clear out 2/3s of wall space on one side of our garage. I will probably toss in a few more things before I seal the boxes for pick up, but not much because there isn't much room left! It feels so good to get rid of that stuff...FINALLY!

As for baby things, I think I've been given nearly as many clothes as I've given away in the past few years! I've also been given 3 partial packs of newborn diapers! I also found out that I DON'T have Gestiational Diabetes. WOO HOO! I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed with it but there IS a family history of it.

I didn't have a nap, didn't sleep well & woke up about 8am yesterday. I did 10 loads of laundry, baked cupcakes & vacuumed our bedroom also. You would THINK I'd have been tired enough to get a good nights sleep, but it wasn't so. Instead I've been woken up by having to go pee &/or by gas three times since 11pm.

It is now 4:28 am & Ive been typing for about 30 minutes or so. I know I'm still tired because I'm yawning like crazy. If I overdo things, it takes me 3 days to recover! DH got home early & loaded the dishwasher & ran it while I was doing laundry & writing in my paper diary....forcing myself to "take a break" from housework. DD was on the PBS Kids website playing Boo Bah & Teletubbies.

The one thing I correctly was as soon the laundry was dry I put it away. That kept it from piling up on me & prevented us from living out of clothes baskets for a few days.

Vacuuming REALLY hurt my lower back for some reason. I am not looking forward to vacuuming the living room & hallway tomorrow. There are some days that I feel like this baby has dropped & others I feel like she is in my ribcage.

Tine for me to try to get back to sleep now.

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me. My MIL has come out from Illinois for a visit with her longtime boyfriend. It was the first time he had ever seen my DD. He has been "away" for awhile recently. My MIL is thinking of moving out here from Illinois & we are hoping that her boyfriend will move with her. It is unlikely that he would make thge nove until after his own mother were to pass away. She is in her Eigthties & in rapidly declining health. If her were to stay in Illinois most of the family would uinderstand completely. He came out to do some repair work on my MILs home. We went to see MIL the afriday she was here. She kept our DD for a few hours while I went to the Dr. I had a test done for Gestational Diabetes. I haven't heard anything from the Dr & I had another appointment this Wednesday past. I'm assuming at the moment that she either hasn't gotten the test results back or that no news is good news. I have another appointment in 2 weeks so I will ask about the results then, as long as nothing happens in the mean time. Back to MIL Friday... MIL got a birhtday cake for DDs 3rd birthday. Those in attendance were, DD's Grandma P, Aunt Michelle, Daddy & Mommy, Uncle Jeff & DD's Godparents Rob & Lori. She got clothes, Barbie dolls, Barbies doll friend Blaine, some Clifford books, a battery operated dog that barks & a few Little People toys. DD had so much fun blowing out the candles that she requested "more candles" after she finished blowing them out the first time. My MIL & boyfriend came to our house on Sunday for a cookout dinner. They played with DD & gave her an easter basket....a week before Easter. Then MIL & her boyfriend returned to Illinois the following Tuesday. All in all, it was a nice short visit. For Easter Sunday we drove the 70 miles to my parents house. We had a ham dinner, hunted 48 plastic Easter eggs & my parents gave DD her birthday presents from them. My 40 year old brother also had a blast playing with his niece. My mother was in one of her "woe is me" moods & seemed to make a miraculos recovery once dinner was finished, I had put away all of the food & cleared the table & it was time for birthday cake. She offered to help blow out the candles but I told her I didn't want her to if she was still sick. She claimed to be sick earlier in the day. Then she said I'm NOT sick, I'm getting better!" I told that I still didn't want her to blow out the candles because being 7 months pregnant I didn't need to get sick. She didn't like it but she also didn't mention how "awful" she was feeling or that she was sick again for the rest of the day. I am so tired of her ALWAYS having to be the one that hurts the worst or feels the worst. On easter Sunday she asked how I was feeling. I told her I was tired & I ached all over. I was was having some problems with my back & my Siatica but it was part of being pregnant. Immediately she says " Well, when I was pregnant I had morning & motion sickness the entire nine months!" Then she went on to refresh my memory as to her laundry list of problems with all four of her pregnancies. They were all NORMAL aches & pains of pregnancy by the way. When she finished I told her "I KNOW mom. You ALWAYS are the one that hurts or feels the worst. That or you are ALWAYS the one that has felt the worst or had the hardest time in the past". After that she got off the couch & asked DD to come to the table & color or draw her a picture or something. I just get sick & tired of it! She even got MAD when I told her since I cleaned the table & put away the food, she could do the dishes. She didn't ask me to clear the table I just did it. I did it while my dad was removing the rest of the ham from the bone. My parents have a small kitchen & my mom is a big lady...me too since I'm 7 months along. if I waited for my mom, then she'd be complaining & barking orders like "Okay, now get the potatoes & put them in the BLUE container" She was even making not so nice comments on how I was getting up off of the floor after playing with my daughter! WTF! I am 200+ pounds 7 & months pregnant! I need a freaking crane for assistance sometimes & I usually feel like I've been kicked in the crotch! How the He!! am I SUPPOSED to get up off of the floor! We ended up staying for about an hour after we finished with the birthday cake. I just could not take any more! GGGRRR!!! It was so bad that my DH even said to my dad & brother "Wow! Now I know where Angie gets her actions from!" I am worse when I am pregnant & tired, but I usually do pretty well at NOT acting like my mom when I'm feeling good. My DH made it a point to tell me that I do pretty good about NOT acting like my mom when I'm feeling good, so I KNOW it's not in my imagination. I have to see her at least one more time before I deliver the baby. When I do, I plan on having a bag packed for my DD. Mom can keep it at her house because it is for when she is watching my DD while I give birth to #2. That way all she has to do is pick DD up from the hospital & go home. This will keep DH from having to deal with my mother more than necessary while I'm in L&D. There will also be folder containing maps & directions to the hospital, a copy of DD's insurance card & phone numbers to reach us at the hospital in the event of an emergency. A map of the hospital campus with the route to take to L&D will be highlighted! If she complains about ONE thing while she is there to pick up our DD, I WILL tell her to get out & shut the "F" up. Gee, my hormones are getting the best of me right now! Can you tell? LOL!

The nesting has started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so the nesting has now started! I've helped DH with the backyard, digging up weeds, laying cement edgers & raking river rock. I had to take frequent breaks but I couldn't help myself but to do it. I've also been pitching "stuff" like crazy lately. Things like Mc Toys that my DD doesn't play with anylonger, clothes that will never fit me again & the multiples of misc. kitchenware that DH just "has to have" because it's a good deal. I've been tellin ghim for YEARS that just becuase it's a good deal doesn't mean that we need to bring it home with us. He is FINALLY getting it! Now if he'd only let me pitch or donate the stuff he wants to put on e-bay, I'll be a much happier woman! I wouldn't mind hanging on to it if I was sure he'd try to sell it on e-aby, but I knw he won't. Quite frankly, I won't have the energy OR the time to mess with it once I have an infant AND a 3 year old to care for day in & day out. I don't ahve the time or energy to deal with it RIGHT now & the baby isn't due until early June! I spent 90 minutes sorting , tossing or organinzing my DD toys tonight. I also washed ALL of her FP Little People in hot, hot soapy water. I did 5 loads of laundry & put thme away, I swept the kitchen floor & got down on my hands & knees to scrape off tape from DD art projects & I tossed an entire kitchen sized trash can full of magazines. Oh, I must not forget that I bleached & scrubbed down the huge trash can we roll to the curb for trash collection twice per week. Like I said before, the nesting has started. I could keep right on cleaning but I know if I do, I will have overdone it & be worth zip for the next 2 days. All of the animals as well as my DH & DD are sleeping right now. I don't sleep for more than about 3 hours at a time right now. I have more to do than I can possibly get done before my MIL comes down for a visit this Sunday. DH WON'T be sleeping in on Saturday becasue I'm waking his behind up so he can help me with the house. We have carpets to clean, pictures to hang & a TON of other things to do before Sunday. Do I want my house to be perfect for my MIls visit? No, it isn't realisitc. DO I want the house to be presentable before my MILs visit? Of course I do & that IS possible. On Friday, my MIL is keeping my DD so I can take my 1 hour test for Gestational Diabetes. Then Friday evening my MIL is having a mini birthday party for my DD. It's a week early but since my MIL lives in Illinois & hasn't seen my DD for about 1 1/2 years...I don't think it is too early. My energy level is finally crashing so I'm off to bed. Send me backache relief vibes so I can continue to get my home presentable before my MIL comes to visit us at the house.

Hormonal blue pregnancy day :-(

This Sunday past, we attended a b-day party for my friend 2 year old. Everyone complemented me on how cute they thought I was, how I had really popped, etc. Meanwhile, I'm feeling exhausted & that I LOOK like a complete trainwreck. Monday night I had a potty accident in my sleep. This is the first one this pregnancy but MAN I woke up in a wet spot the size of Lake Erie & I had body pillow between my legs that is equvilent to the size of Hoover Dam! Everything was SOAKED of course & I was SO embarrassed. DH thoughts are, your pregnant honey....it happens once in awhile! Husband or not to pee the bed at age 35 for ANY reason is embarrassing. What happens is that I get SO exhausted from napping all night (waking up every 2-3 hours to pee or readjust my pillows) & then chasing after a three year old all day, that I get to a point where NOTHING will wake me up. I'm not upset or ungreatful that I'm pregnant again, it' s just that the exhaustion, body aches, food craving & food aversions, pregnancy acne, etc get old. To date, I've only gained a total of four pounds this pregnancy. Since I started out at 218 & my OB wants me to keep my gain down to 10 pounds, it doesn't REALLY concern me that much. I guess I'm pissing all my weight away at night or something! LOL! Last night I just completely lost it. My emotions were all over the place. After we got DD put to bed for the evening, I just laid in bed & cried my eyes out. I went on & on to DH about how achy I am all of the time. I no longer know what it is to sleep through the night without being so tired that it's not a restful sleep. I always feel like a trainwreck & I feel as if I look even worse. I have the acne of a teenager. I can hardly bend over at the waist to pick things up off the floor. I'm home alone all day & I can't keep up with the housework due to a lack of energy. I could continue but I won't I was basically feeling sorry for myself & having a blue pregnancy day. DH is great! I don't have much to complain about when it comes to him. He rubs my feet, legs & back when he can tell I'm having touble with them. I don't even usually have to ask. He either fixes dinner or cleans up the dinner dishes a couple of times each week. He changes the litterbox (something a PG lady isn't supposed to be doing due to the possibility of Toxoplasmosis) before my ultra sensitive PG nose detects the smell. Sometimes he even does a load of laundry or two without my asking him. He works LONG hours to enable me to be a SAHM to our child(ren). I even get the occasional bouquet of flowers "just because". Like I said, I was just having a REALLY hormonal day. I felt MUCH better after I got it all out.

It's another girl

Since my last post DH surprised me with a second honeymoon to Las Vegas. It is where we got married four years ago this March. By surprise I mean it was a COMPLETE surprise. He arranged kenneling for my dog & dropped him off, arranged childcare for a 3 year old daughter with my brother, packed everything the three of us needed for the trip & I was clueless until we arrived at my brother house to drop our daughter off for 3 nights & 2 days. DH did VERY well packing my things in a hurry & in secret. He shorted me a pair of undies & a shirt, but I made due. He remembered everything from my toothbrush & pre-natal vitamins to TUMS & my slip on sandals. The best part was that it was a well planned & executed surprise. The only thing I wanted to do when we got married was ride the Gondolas at The Venitian Hotel. Even though it rained the entire time we were there, we rode the Gondolas located inside of the hotel. He said that aside from the fact we are expecting baby number two in June & we wouldn't be able to get away like this for a couple of years, that he wanted me to be able to ride those gondolas. The room he reserved at the New York New York Hotel had a king size bed & a clover leaf spa. He even brought bath salts to help enhance the enjoyment of the spa. How lucky am I to have such a thoughtful & loving husband!

As for Baby number two we found out "it" is a girl. She was VERY active during the ultrasound yesterday morning. My husband was there & he was amazed at how much ultrasound technology has improved since we had daughter number one. The tech even took a 3-D picture of our baby girl. Daughter number one also kisses & rubs my belly often. She kisses & hugs the baby in my belly by rubbing & kissing my belly. She is SUCH a sweet little girl. I just hope that the horns don't pop out of her head for very long once I deliver this baby.

Potty training is going well on most days with our daughter. She receives a sticker each time she uses the potty like a big girl. There is a chart attatched to the back of her bathroom door. It seems to be working for right now.

Last night we began clearing out the babys room in preperation of her arrival. It WAS our home office, but since we only have three bedrooms, the home office is now in our living room.

This child is telling me to lay down, so its off to bed I go.

Bye for now!

2:17 AM

It's 2:17 AM & I can't sleep (again). I thought good sex was supposed to help you relax & sleep better! WTF! Yes, DH & I had good sex but it woke the child I'm carrying inside of me up. Now this child is praticing gymnastics, using my insides for padding! UGH! That & the OJ I drank is giving me MAJOR gas. Wouldn't you know it, DH & DD are sleeping like angels in their beds. That's okay because when this baby comes, NONE of us will be getting much sleep. As for medical insurance, ours changed on January 1st. We still haven't received our new insurance cards & DH Bosslady refused to get me ANY info on our insurance. Finally I told DH either he gets info or I drive to the office & demand it myself. Without a phone number I couldn't even call & make sure the cards were on their way! Since my next appointment was to be January 17th, I really NEEDED the info ASAP. I call the insurance company only to find out that the insurance DH has been paying for to cover DD & I, wasn't even in their computer system! WTF! I call DH & tell him about it & he asks me if I called his Bosslady yet. I calmly assured him that he didn't want me to call her at that time because I was really ticked. To be on the safe side, I called my Dr & changed my appointment to January 27th. HELLO! We want to find out the gender of our child sometime before it is born!!!! Needless to say I am MORE than a little annoyed about that. Everythings not bad though in my world. DD has begun to potty train with some success. Each time she uses the potty chair she gets a sticker for her potty chair chart. Each night whe Daddy comes home from work she takes him to her bathroom to show him her new stickers for the day. I went to her room to check on her & she has the doll cradle my Grandfather Tompkins made filled with teddy bears of various sizes, watching a movie with her on her bed. this is VERY fitting becuase before my Grandfather Tompkins had a stroke, he collected teddy bears & ended up with over 300 of them. They were all sizes, types & price ranges. The one he sent home with us before his stroke is so large that he had to buy the bear it's own plane ticket to get it home! What makes it extra special is that my mother made it for him one Christmas. It was also one of his favorites. My best friends FIL is off of a respirator for a collapsed lung. He is an alchololic & got really drunk. While drunk, he fell & landed on a coffe table. In doing so, he broke two ribs, punctured & partially collaped a lung & contracted pneumonia while recovering in the hospital. That was 15 days ago. Today, he was able to sit up in a chair unassisted & is off the respirator. Her 3 1/2 tear ods son had his first soccer game & scored a goal. She has a Dr appointment tomorrow due to an abnormal pap smear. The last abnormal one determined her to have precancerous cells. She had surgery & had them removed, but that was before she had kids. She's now DONE having kids so she claims not to be concerned. I know better. I offered to watch the kids while she was at the Dr so her MIL could be at the hospital. MIL wants the distraction & to watch the kids, but my best friend was very greatful that I offered. Since I love her like my own sister, it's the least I could do. We are planning to meet next weekend so we can deliver our old computer desk to her house & assemble it. DH fixed their refridgerator about 2 weeks ago & it's still going strong. her DH thanked us again for that. DH was like "They have given us so much stuff & have done so much for you (meaning me) I owe it to them. I owe them that & more". It feels good to give them something for a change. Even DH said that. The value of our home has increased by nearly $50,000 since we moved in 2 years ago. That was a nice surprise. I could go on but I'm FINALLY getting sleepy, am nearly gasless & the baby has calmed down. Until next time.... stay safe.

Mary

What is sleep?

Okay, can someone PLEASE tell me WHAT sleep is & how I get it? OMG! I remember being sleep deprived during my last pregnancy because I had to pee 10 times in 6 hours. I remember the pregnancy induced nightmares that made no sense. I remember gas that would wake the dead. What I DON'T remember is how I finally overcame it all & finally got some sleep. When you add a toddler to the mix, sleep RARELY happens. During my last pregnancy I didn't catch a cold or anything either. I sure as heck have a doozie of one now though. I felt it comming on Saturday afternoon, so I did light housework, finished the NASCAR pillows, wrapped a few gifts & basically rested the rest of the day. On Sunday, we met up with our DD's Godparents for a gift exchange. Since they live about 140 miles from us, we met them halfway. I felt it beginning to hit me on the way to the meeting. By Sunday night, I felt like I'd been run over by a Mack truck, then the truck backed over me only to run over me a second time! DD & I slept until almost 11am yesterday, then I napped a second time about 3:30 pm. DH came home from work about 4:30 & I headed to bed about 9pm. DD keeps waking up & has woken me enough times that now I am awake. I am getting her diapered behind up today, she can nap about noon (as will I because I'm sick) & she IS sleeping tonight. My parents will be here on Christmas Eve & we are to go see my parents & a brother on Christmas Day. My brother is Wiccan & his coven celebrates Yule. Since many members still have Christian families (like ours) this lets them celebrate Christmas with their families. I guess there is a TON of drama going on at my Mom's house. My brother vents about my mom & mom about my brother. Personally, I think BOTH of them thrive on drama, are feeding off of each other & the truth about everything lies somewhere in the middle of their stories. I just let them vent, try to get them to look at the situation through the others eyes & don't talk to anyone about our convos. My Mom is a great lady, but unless there is something going on to worry about in ANY of our family members lives, she's not happy. My brother has been dealing with SO much the past 3 years or so. He relocated from the Midwest to be close to his family, had to bury his infant son, his wife left him & then died on Christmas Eve last year, he lost everything he owned that was stored in the Midwest in a fire & he's been unemployed for close to 8 months now. Toss in living with my parents at the age of 40 & it equals misery. My mother is a lady that has to be the family member with the worst problems. She's manilipulative in that way. What she doesn't seem to realize is that it is driving her entire family away from her. I love my mother, but the sympathy train has nearly forgotten about her station. Most of her problems, were created by her. I no longer have the time, the energy or the emotions left to keep holding her hand. Her guilt trips no longer work on me. When she would accuse me of laying a guilt trip on her my relpy was often, "Well MOM, I learned from the master didn't I". I make a consious effort NOT to be like her in so many ways. My mother is 61 years old. She needs to grow up & act like it. I am the only one in my family that has the balls to tell my parents the way it is. I'm only blunt when I've been given no other choice. I love my family, but my family doesn't seem to see me as the person I've become. They still see me as the 18 year old that was a carbon copy of her mother. Only my sister & one brother can see me for the person I am today. My sister & I have come to many of the same conclusions in regard to my parents over the years. We did this at the same time without even speaking to each other about it. We do our best not to gossip, talk bad about people or family (unless we are trying to figure out what the problem is & if we can help them see it), we support each other & each others choices, & don't hold my parents actions against them. We know our parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had available to them. Another thing we do that our parents have NEVER done is to vote.

A big surprise at the Dr & stuff

Well, I got a BIG surprise at the Dr on Dec 8th. I was 13.5 weeks pregnant instead of only 6!!! At the first appointment the Dr. said she wasn't SURE how along far I was from the physical exam, so she requested I get an Ultrasound. I did that the following Wednesday & found out the due date is June 10th instead of July 27th. I was shocked to say the least. We should be able to find out in about a month or so what the sex of this baby is. We are hoping for a boy but ultimately just want our baby to be healthy. I am already in my maternity clothes because most of my regular clothes just don't fit. When I saw my best friend today she complemented me on the shirt I was wearing. When I told her I made it, she was very surprised. We exchanged gifts & the kids all liked what they received, as did my friend & I. She gave me a BEAUTIFUL oriental copper horse that I'd NEVER be able to afford. I gave her a box of 2 dozen hand selected Christmas ornaments...per request. She likes my tree & it is covered with all types & colors of ornaments. All she has (mainly) are the orbs & she's bored with them. So, I granted her request. She liked them so much that she said I could do the same thing next year! I made a blanket for her daughter from Care Bears Fleece & gave her a Barbie doll. Her son received 2 Spiderman toys that change direction when they bump into something. She gave my daughter the Fisher Price Little People Castle & some wooden beads with strings for lacing. Then the kids all played together while we talked. It was a nice relaxing couple of hours. As for last night, my husband calls on the cell phone to tell me he had a blow out in the middle of nowhere on the way home. I asked him if he wanted me to come pick him up or birng him something to eat & he said no. He didn't want to leave the truck with all of the equipment on it, which I understand completely. His boss ended driving out to get him & sending tow truck to bring the work truck to our house & to remove the shredded tire & rim from the truck. Today, another employee got the tire replaced, brought it out to the house & helped my husband put it on the truck. I offered to postpone my gift exchange but my husband said no because we already had to postpone it once due to my friends children being sick with the cold. My husbands boss & fellow employee told him out outdoor Christmas lights looked really nice. One also told him that not only the red & green lights looked nice, but they also went the same direction & didn't look just "thrown on" like most other lights do. They both also liked that our lights weren't overdone like some others in our neighborhood. I still need to get the NASCAR pillows made for my daughters Godparents, the peppermint bark for my Grandmother & finish the Christmas sock for my daughter. This may be the last entry until after Chrsitmas.

It's offical!

It's offical! I had a Dr. appiontment today & my pregnancy was confirmed. I am 6 weeks pregnant & I'm dead dog tired! The due date is July 27th. One of neighbors said "Ha! Ha! You'll be pregnant in the summer!" It was meant as a joke though, not as a jab. Being toward the end of my pregnancy during the hottest part of the year in the desert southwest USA is NOT my idea of a good situation. I'm SURE I will be miserable. Oh well, I'll just have to drink plenty of water, swim at the YMCA & stay inside during the heat of the day. There's nothing else I can do! There is always the possibility that this child could be born on it's Uncle's 41st birthday. That would be July 23rd. I sure am glad I didn't give my neighbor ALL of my maternity clothes. I have to get dinner started. Bye for now.

Home Owners Association, maternity clothes & great neighbors

I attended the HOA meeting tonight at the community I live in. It was about where to put a playground. In this meeting many things were discussed but the main adgenda item was the long overdue playground. The builder was SUPPOSED to install one playgorund in every phase of development that insured our children didn't have to cross a busy main street. Well, here we are, PHASE ONE having been completed OVER 1 year ago & STILL NO PLAYGROUND for our phase! In fact, there is only one very small & substandard playground for ALL the phases! WTF! At least in all of the other phases a spot has been designated for one. PHASE ONE is the only one NOT TO HAVE A SPOT DESIGNATED for our playground. The builder refuses to give up a lot for what we were promised, so the residents met tonight with the head of our HOA to purpose a site to the builder. We found out that we will have to get builder & county approval because zoning has to be changed in order for the playground to be built in the propsed site. WHAT A PAIN IN THE A$$! I'm sick to death of our HOA! If you can buy a home without an HOA....DO IT! On a good note, the base price of the home we purchased is up to nearly $130,000. We bought our home for only $104,000 nearly two years ago. I personally don't think our home is worth what the builder is selling it for, but hey, I won't complain because when it comes time to sell it...it is profit for us! Now we just need to deceide what we're doing with our backyard & to get it done. I'm sick of looking at dirt & weeds. The thing is, we have to get approval for how we landscape our backyard. That ticks me off because who is going to see our backyard except us. Get this, if you don't get HOA approval before you landscape, then the bylaws say you have to get it before you sell your home. If they don't approve it, they can order you to remove what you've done. Sorry, but I THOUGHT I lived in the United States of America! If WE are PAYING for OUR HOME & the property on which it sits, then WHY must we have APPROVAL for simple landscaping. WHAT A CROCK! Like I said before, if you can afford a home WITHOUT an HOA then go for it. I know it's to keep the yards & homes from getting out of control with wild colors & unkept property, but in my opinion most HOAs have too much say in what homeowners can & cannot do. Most residents already refer to the HOA's bylaws enforcers as "HOA NAZIS". That should tell you something right there about how our HOA is viewed. On to another subject. I tried on all of my old maternity clothes today. I think if I purcase a couple of long sleeved shirts & one more pair of long pants I'll have enough to get through the winter. About March the temperature begins to rise enough to wear shorts & capri's on a regular basis. Since I figure that I'm due in July, I'll need to add a summer wardrobe to my collection. I have a sewing machine, some material & my mother that is BEYOND talented with a machine. HECK! This woman is downright GIFTED! I have limited skills in the area of sewing, but enough to get by. Most of my short sleeved shirts SHOULD get me through until March as well. By then I'll probably need the next size up. For most, this wouldn't be a big deal, but since I'm already a size 20 in regular clothes & by the end of my last pregnancy I was almost too big for 2X maternity clothes, it could be a problem. I didn't gain a huge amount of weight with #1 either. In fact, I only gained 20 pounds! That is my goal this time as well. Two great things happened as a result of pregnancy #1. The first was that DH & I were blessed with a beatiful daughter. The second was that I FINALLY grew BOOBS! Yes, I got to keep an entire cup size! WOO HOO! Let's see if I get that lucky with this one! LOL! On to another subject. Three of us walked to & from the meeting tonight & as we dropped the first neighbor off I complemented him on the Christmas lights in his yard. He didn't know where I lived & he said to me "That house that has The Grinch with red & greens lights looks pretty neat!" I said "Thanks, I'll tell my husband you liked it". He said "Oh! I didn't know you lived there! Your husband did a nice job" Our house is the only one that has mainly red & green lights. The Grinch (that stole Christmas) has a little white on him because he's one of those inflatables you buy at Wal-mart. The candy canes that light up our front walk also have red, green & white. Past that, the rest are red & green. We have about 1200 lights this year. It looks nice, but it isn't overdone either. We put ours up on Thanksgiving Day. Almost half of the people on our street put up lights this year. Just like on Halloween, most of the adults dressed in costume. The holidays are just a ton of fun in the community I live in. People are really nice. It often reminds me of growing up in small town Illinois. That is how nice most of my neighbors are. I'm not close to any of my neighbors, but here's a few examples of the people that live around me. My next door neighbor was expecting an OOPS baby with her husband. She already has a daughter, age 8, from a previous relationship. None of her friends or family gave her a baby shower, so I loaned her my bassinet, infant carseat, baby swing & exersaucer. She was SO greatful because if you had to BUY all of that stuff, the cost adds up quickly. I was glad to help her out. When my best friend gave me a four piece entertainment center, we used it to replace two in different rooms. One neighbor (now deceased) had almost no furniture. We offered both of ours to him but he only wanted one. I offered the other to a neighbor that has EIGHT kids. She had almost no furniture either. She was SO greatful. When she cleaned out her garage, she gave me probably $100 worth of clothes for my daughter, that hers had outgrown. I was the greatful one then. My other neighbor (the one I loned baby stuff to) knew DH & I were to be gone for a few weeks. While we were away, she got a notice about weeds on her property that is adjacent to ours. She weeded all of her property AND ours. It only takes one good rain here & our yards are invaded & overcome with weeds. When another neighbor is away, I take in the paper from her driveway & the fliers left on the door. She does the same for us while we are away. A neighbor down the street comes & checks for any signs of break in's when she knows were away. We do the same for her. My lady across the street just had a baby a couple of weeks ago. I gave her a ton of maternity clothes because she didn't want to spend the $$$ on them. She's a plus sized girl also. Shortly after she had her baby, I found out I'm expecting #2. I don't want them back because I got sick of those clothes. She was more than glad to have them. They looked really good on her too! Gosh this entry is getting long! I guess I just felt like writing tonight. Until next time, stay smiling!

Big news

Wow! My big news is that I'm pregnant with child number two. I had been feeling all around crappy. You know, exhausted, nothing was sitting well in my stomach, lots of headaches & I SWORE my breasts were getting larger. At first I thought I was just gaing weight again, then the peeing in the middle of night came along with my bras getting tighter. I finally said "F-it! I'm taking te EPT in the med cabinet" As soon as the urine hit where the second line was to appear, it did. It was a very dark pair of lines so there was no doubt in my mind I was pregnant. I PERSONALLY don't have a prefrence, but for my husband's sake, I hope this one is a boy. He is the only child of his deceased biological father, so his dad's direct bloodline will end with him unless he has the boy he's wanted for so long. According to the due date calculator at IVillage.com, the baby is due on July 27th, 2005. I have an appointment on December 6th, so we shall see how close it is to the one the Dr. gives me. I will resume my yoga exercises this week . This pregnancy was a little something extra to be thankful for this year, as we found out on Thanksgiving Eve. My father in law's birthday was Nov 27th. He would have been 63 years old. He passed on July 4th, 2001. Just 2 weeks before we knew we were expecting our first child. It would have been his first Grandchild. We will likely be the only ones that would have ever givin him grandchildren becuase his oldest daughter died years ago, his son nobody seems to know anything about, his daughter is now in her late 20's has never had a boyfriend is a virgin & has no interest in pursuing a relationship...or so it seems. These were all half-siblings for my DH. DH's step dad raised & treated him as if DH were his own son. DH's biological father died when he was only 8 years old. I think that is why he takes care of my parents the same way that I do. He knows just how important our parents are in our lives. I've always known. He is just the first man I've known in a long time that also knows this & treats parents in the way the should be treated. I think he values the closeness of his relationship with my parents as much as I do. He really has been a blessing (most of the time...LOL) in my life. I'm honored to have him as my husband & the father of our soon to be two children.

Take time to listen to your familes stories, pick up the phone & talk to your family & to say I LOVE YOU to you family every chance you get. You never know when the time you say it, will be your last oppertunity to do so. I call my grandparents nearly every weekend & my Grandparents love to hear from me. Even if it seems that I have nothing signifcant to say. Of my three sibilings, I am the only one that calls &/or writes on a regular basis. I know it means so much to them, & to me as well.


Mary

We all have an Inner Bitch

Today on Starting Over, Iyanla said that we all have an inner bitch. She stands up for us when we cannot stand up for ourselves. Sometimes, we just need to whack her. My inner bitch will call people on their lies when it's warranted, help me be tough when inside I'm crumbeling & let me walk away when I've had enough & I when believe someone I love to be a toxin in my life. She fought back against the boy in high school that tried to date rape me. She kept me thinking with a cool head when someone tried to snatch me & put me in their van in 1986. She stood up to the protesters when they surrounded me & tried to prevent me from getting an abortion. She stood up my sisters ex-fiancee when he threatened to call the police for theft when she deceided to move out. She told him that my sister purchased everything in their apartment & that if need be, my sister could prove each purchase with cancelled checks that list each purchase in the memo section. She stood up to the manager that was sexually harrasing me at Mc Donalds. She called my dad on his 2nd affair when he lied to my face about it. She stood up to my ex-husband when he was toying with my feelings & stringing me on. She froze the business bank account when my ex kept bouncing checks, causing him to suddenly "fix" his spending habits. She made him file for divorce by telling him he had two choices...to either file for divorce himself & I'd take what I brought into the relationship & the wedding gifts from my family, or I'd file for divorce, he'd pay for my lawyer, & I'd sell the business, tools & contracts off piece by piece because he wasn't able to make the decesion about getting counseling &/or getting a divorce. She pushed me to find affordable counseling for myself during this process, therefore giving me the tools to be strong enough to stand up to him & deal with all the fallout of those years. She allowed me to heal enough to deal with the pain of some decesions I've made in my past. She gave me the confidence to give birth to my daughter without any pain medication. I guess I owe my inner bitch a lot. When I didn't listen to her is when I made bad decesions & allowed men unworthy of my love into my life. So, thank you to my nameless inner bitch. She has saved my life.

Happy Halloween & drama within the family

It's been awhile since I last posted my thoughts. (Like anyone REALLY reads THIS boring blog) LOL! Happy Halloween or like my Wiccan brother calls it Samhain. (Not being Wiccan I HOPE I spelled it correctly) My dear daughter is going as a little devil. At her age it's MORE than an appropriate costume at times. ~wink~ I finished sewing it up last night & she tried it on, horns & all. She looked in the mirror, gets this HUGE smile on her face & says "I pretty Mommy!" & then says "Mommy! You MADE it!". This is the first article of clothing I've made for her & the first sewing I've done in several years. Now I know what my own mother must felt like when I came home & told her how the kids at school liked the shirt (or whatever I was wearing that day) that she'd made for me. No WONDER she loved sewing for us kids.

Drama within the family is driving me nuts! Recently I guess there was a get together of my in-laws....DH & I weren't invited. (no big deal, as we don't talk to these people more than once or twice per year) They call us when they want us to come to a party or if they want DH to fix their air conditioner. Well, my DH's Aunt called my MIL & told her they were saying some pretty nasty things about DH &/or I. I TRULY don't understand this. I did nothing but support one of them during a difficult decesion & DID NOT judge her. It's no seceret that I don't get along well with my SIL due to some things that happened a couple of years ago. I make an effort to be nice & not to exclude her from DD life. The ONLY thing I can think of that would make them WANT to talk bad about us is that they are jealous. YES! JEALOUS! WHY?

Well, we've made changes in our lifestyle in order to allow ME to be a SAHM.

We had our child AFTER we got married.

We recently purchased a small but nice home.

We also purchased a brand new car because we were having TOO many problems with the used one (it was becomming unsafe to drive).

Add to that, we just returned from San Diego last weekend after taking our DD to Sea World & Disneyland. ALL OF THIS doesn't just COME to us. We have sacraficed, made HUGE changes in our lifestyle & scrimped & saved in order to do these things. I guess immature, selfish, spoiled brats with children just wouldn't understand that...would they. I have been pushing DH into a relationship with some of these people & he has been telling me since we began dating that most of them are troublemakers.

My family wasn't like this, so I've always had the outlook of "It's the only family you have. You can't just cut them out of your life". Well, after this, I'm done. I have a decent relationship with my MIL & I'll keep working on the SIL out of respect for my MIL & DH.

With everything going on in the world & all of it's problems, WHY do people have to be so DAMM petty! It really ticks me off sometimes. Well, I have to get ready for trick or treating tonight, as well as get DD bathed, dressed & hair done. Until next time....keep smiling!

Dr appointment, heel spur? & stinkin thinkin

I went to the Dr about my heel pain & weight issues. Until Saturday when dh & I took DD to Schnep farms for the Pumpkins & Chilli Party I was walking an average of 1 to 2 miles per day. I had NO heel pain until I changed the brand of shoes I wear. Within 3 months, the pain began. I went back to my original brand of shoe, but the spur had taken hold & he pain continued to get worse. It is now so bad that I cannot walk on it for more than 2 or 3 hours. Pre FLYlady, I would have suffered until I could no longer walk on it at all I'm going in for x-rays on my heel on October 25th. DH has to go with me to watch DD while I get x-rays. Then on November 3rd, my Dr. ordered a Part 1 Physical, which includes an ECG. I expressed concerns about my wreck of a diet & eating habits, I can't lose weight & keep it off & the history of heart disease & diabetes in my family. He made many recommendations & one was to follow a low-carb diet....but NOT Atkins. He also said that any diet that makes you eliminate entire food groups would not be good either. I already KNEW that but he has to C.H.A. like any Dr. My stinkin thinkin was telling me "You did this to yourself because you waited too long to lose the weight" Then FLYlady's voice came into my head & said "You've been making changes in your diet & exercise habits for about a year & you've tried WW & slim fast & a few other things. YOU finally LOVED YOURSELF enough to ask for help & guidance from your DR. You CAN lose this weight 1 pound at a time & I'm proud of you". PreFLYlady, I would have given in to my ST & ate an entire bag of chips & felt guilty & sorry for myself. I know that I sing FLYladies praises often, but I can't help it. She's given me the tools & permission to "put myself on the list" & I've seen great improvements in my life as a result. Granted, I still have a LONG way to go...but with FLYlady's guidance, support from fellow FLY Babies & friends, as well as routines & hard work...I can reach my goals. Even if it's one baby step, 1 pound, 1 meal or 15 minutes at a time.

ZONE 5, my brother as guest speaker & stuff

We are FLYing in ZONE 5 this week. ZONE 5 is improving slowly & this week we're only there for 4 days. I've gone from the entire room being a hotspot to the coffee table, the bookcase & the catch-all between the LR & the kitchen. Each week we're in ZONE 5, I declutter a few more of DD's toys. They are almost down to a managable level. I need to declutter the bedroom of some more of her toys, but that will be comming in a few short weeks. I was trying winter clothes on DD today & most of them fit from last year. I bought 2 T's instead of 18 months because the 2 T's weren't so big they were sloppy. Living where we do, we don't have much of a winter season, so I hate to spend the $$$ on "winter" clothes. Last year she wore shorts & t-shirts for several weeks in JAN & FEB because it was so flippin hot! Today I walked for a total of 46 minutes & 2.609 miles (according to my pedometer). It was over 5000 steps. Now I need to find another enjoyable activity to add to my exercise program. Preferably something I can do while DD is asleep.

No new entries for a few days...

I've been on-line preparing or a trip to San Diego with my family. This will be the first vacation DH, DD & I have taken that doesn't result in going to see any of our family members. We COULD have gone to IL or TX but DH said he needed a FAMILY vacation that he could just relax. SInce we've never been to SD together, we picked SD for our 1st "just us" family vacation ever. We are certian that Sea World will be one day. Balboa Park & Mission Bay Beach will probably be included on 2 other days. We used Expedia.com to find a smokin' rate on a nice room. We then called the hotel 800 # & asked if they could match it....they could only come within $5 of matching it. I told her thanks, but we'd go ahead & book with Expedia. You may be saying "It's only $5", but we are staying for 4 nights. This is our first experience with Expedia so we will see how it goes at the check-in counter. My friend Barbie (yes it's her REAL name) goes to SD yearly & said that $85 per night for a 2 room "suite" is cheap. Since our goal was to keep lodging under $100 per night, we came in at $385.68....according to Expedia. That includes daily Continental breakfast. I've had Continental breakfast before & know it's no big deal. Because DH, DD & I are NOT big breakfast eaters, it is perfect for us. That equals AT LEAST another $20 saved per day. There are refridgerators & microwaves in each room. That is nice to have & we used the one we had while staying in Mexico quite a bit. Since we will probably be back at the room fairly early, due to our 2 1/2 yr old daughter, I'm sure the fridge & microwave WILL be used. ** I only caught part of Starting Over yesterday. I had too many things to do. **I'm not 100% sure of who I'll be voting for in November. To be completely honest, I don't care for BUSH or KERRY. I am among the "undeceided" that the parties are fighting over. Hey, I LIKE that! It's been a long time since I've had 2 men fighting over me! (LOL) I can say that I'm leaning toward KERRY right now. I WISH we had a strong 3rd party that was a truer representation of middle class America. The only problem is that it costs $$$ to run for President & middle America doesn't have that kind of $$$. I like what KERRY has say in several issues that are important to me. The real question is "Can KERRY deliver on his promises if he were in the Oval Office". I would probably be classified as one of the New World Order's sheepeople. I've been blissfully ignorant of the truth. I have no idea WHO to believe. Do I believe certian websites that I frequent, favor the right or the left. Personally, I'm thinking that the truth lies somewhere between the three. I DON'T agree that we should have a draft, I DON'T think we should lose anymore of rights or freedoms & I DON'T agree with amensty for illegal aliens...working or not. I DO believe that we need some form of socialized medicine program, I DO believe that our education system is a complete joke & I DO believe that we need to regain crediability within the world community. ** FLYlady's zone is the master Bedroom this week. I found an on-line Yahoo group for FLYbabies & FLYladies in my local area. The members seem pretty nice & not at all "catty" like some other boards I've tried in the past. Sorry but I'm just too damm old for "catty", petty, grade school bu!!shit. Unless you'e on a debate board, it's not a place to "flame" someone for expressing their opinions. **

Another FLYing post....

**I MISSED Starting Over today (sniff sniff) Oh well, I did see it yesterday & Towanda Braxton (Toni's sister) is in the SO House. I'll catch the show Monday.**

~~My DH announced that he'd like to go to San Diego in October for 3 or 4 nights. Since i haven't been in about 10 years, I would enjoy it also. He just wants us to take a family vacation that doesn't involve visiting any family members for a change. Since we've NEVER been on one of those, I am ALL for it. The only definate is that we WILL be going to Sea World & NOT the zoo. We will also probably spend one day at the beach. It will be a nice little get away. After the year we've had with family health issues & strained family member relationships...we need the break. We haven't had problems within our marriage, but because we are close to our family members...it has caused some stress. ~~

**DH is on his way home, DD has deceided it's necessary to run around the house naked & she has a habit of peeing on the carpet when she is naked. We are potty training so I expected some of that behavior. **

~~I'll write again soon.~~

**Today on Starting Over Josie DID reveal who Chloe's father is & it's NOT Jonathan. She said Jonathan tries to call & leaves messages for her & she pretty much doesn't return them. !!! GOOD FOR HER !!!**

~~My little girl refused to sleep last night so at 2 am we were finishing cleaning the bathroom. While I was in the shower waxing & buffing it, DD grabbed the broom & began sweeping the floor. Then I gave her a towel & she "cleaned" the bathroom door for me. Since she's only 2 1/2 I don't know how clean it actually got, but she had fun helping mommy. She FINALLY went to sleep about 3:30am.~~ **This afternoon, I boogied & organized the coat closet. Living in the desert SW, we don't have many coats. Now I can find EVERYTHING that is in there with ease. It's a multi-purpose closet that is NOW a functional organized one. It only took me about an hour. I was expecting it to take nearly two hours.**
~~I neglected to shine my sink & things today, but tommorrow I'll be refreshed because I will of had some sleep & I'll be able to get back to my routines. Routines are the keys to making FLY Lady's system work. ~~
** I was conversing via IM with my mother & she told me something interesting & surprising about my Grandmother. When she hits her goal weight, she wants to either take a Mule trip to the bottom of the Grand Canyon OR she wants to take a rafting trip at the bottom of the Canyon. My mother DID finally tell me that Grandmother wants to take one that doesn't have any whitewater. She said it's something my Grandmother has wanted to do her entire life. Grandmother turned 82 in July. She has had a heart mumur (born with it) & has been a big girl most of her life. In the past few years she has had an artifical heart valve put in, a pace maker & replaced both of her knees. Since January of 2003 she has lost 75+ pounds with Weight Watchers. She still has about 40 pounds to go to reach her ideal goal weight. She walks daily with her little ankle biter dog named Cindy. If the weather is bad, she walks inside of her small 2 bedroom home. She has worked very hard & I'm VERY proud of her.**
~~My brother had an interview to teach at a local community college. The interviewer took 3 pages of notes & seemed VERY interested by my brother. I know that he REALLY wants this job. It's the first thing I've heard him excited about since the death of his infant son & his wife about 1 year later. He almost sounded like the brother I once knew. The one that was full of hope, life & energy. In the past 2 years he has gotten married, buried his first & only child, moved from the midwest to the southwest away from his best friend & god children, lost his job & had everything he's ever owned burn up in a fire in his friends garage in the midwest. The only things he has are what he brought in his car when he moved & what he's acquired since he moved out here. He moved out here to be close to his niece (my DD) & his nephew (my brother). He's been through SO much that he deserves a little happiness & a sense of pride in what he does. Pray for him please.~~

FLY Lady, the bathroom & Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decesion

First thing is first. The Supreme Court has tossed a case to overturn Roe v. Wade

Here's the link:http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/09/14/roe.v.wade/index.html

Okay, on Starting Over today, JOSIE didn't reveal WHO Chloe's father is! The preview of tommorows show makes it sound as if she'll do that then. URRGH! I WANT TO KNOW! I don't sit around & watch TV all day, just this one show. It can be very inspiring for people to improve their lives. For me, it's helped inspire me to begin healing the pain of things in my past. Funny thing, the VERY day I found this on-line support group (which I'd told NOBODY about) I get an e-mail from an old co-worker/friend (Dick...this IS his name btw) titled "25 ways to say I LOVE YOU" It was pretty funny & really lifted my spirits.

As for FLYLady & this weeks zone...I have yet to look at my e-mail & it's 9:13 pm as I write. I underestimated how long it would take to rid the shower of soap scum & hard water build-up last night. I did get THAT done last night, but then today I spent an hour waxing my shower. It was the first time I've ever waxed a shower so I had NO idea how long it would take. BTW...did YOU know that you can wash a shower curtian liner in the washing machine? That made the white build up vanish! The reward of a clean, sparleking shower & tub felt great. For the first time in years, I actually ENJOYED taking a shower. It was a very relaxing experience. DH noticed when he went to shower tonight & said "GEE! What happened here? This looks REALLY nice". That just made the reward more sweet. I guess a clean shower really does say "I love you". I also decluttered the bath cabinets & tossed an entire trash bag FULL of half used cleaning products, old make-up & misc. "stuff" that I had no idea WHAT it's use was. All of DH's "read" bathroom reading material found a new home as well. My DD (age 2) even wiped down the bathroom door for me. She's such a little helper sometimes. :-)

The next task is to tackle the "guest" bathroom, or should I say "junk" room. There are things in there that I don't even know HOW they got there! For example, WHY in HOLY H5!! is there a foam mattress in there that I asked DH to dispose of MONTHS ago. Granted, I SHOULD have taken it to the dumpster myself, but I was always overwhelmed with everything else that needed to get done. The reward for me will be this weekend when I get to paint & begin to decorate that bathroom. What I've heard from many sources is in fact true..."You CAN'T organize clutter". My home is by no means a health hazard...it's not 1/3 as bad as many of the homes shown on TLC's Clean Sweep. The fact of the matter is that I can see that my home is headed that way in the future if I don't change things now. Just like I'm headed for a heart attack or worse if I don't begin to convert to a healthier lifestyle now. Last month I lost 3 pounds & haven't lost anymore this month. I also haven't gained any weight. I'm doing something right though because my pants are fitting looser. It know it probably means that I am exchanging fat for muscle. I also know that muscle is more dense than fat & that muscle weighs more than fat. In addition, the more lean muscle mass you have, the more efficently you burn stored fat. When I remember these things, then I no longer get discouraged & go on an eating binge. Slowly, the junk food is dissappearing from my home. Once again I hear FLYLadys voice saying "Baby steps Mary, take those baby steps". I'm beginning to think I'm becomming FLYwashed. LOL My fellow FLY Babies will know what I'm talking about.