Why does this have to be so hard?

I LOVE both of my children SO much. WHY disciplining them have to be so hard sometimes.

My oldest is at the age where she is testing the boundries & asserting herself. She seems to forget that I am the Mommy & I am the one that makes the rules around here. She flat out ignores me! When I tell my hubby about it he generally rolls his eyes & gives me the impression he could care less about what happens when he isn't here.

Today she was mouthy & rude all day long. At 4 pm I had had enough. Daddy has been home all day & he finally got to witness what I deal with more often than not. She deceided that she wasn't going to eat the Chicken noodle Soup I made for dinner. Here comes the battle royal. After an hour of her refusing to eat & sent her to her room. She continued to ignore me. I don't know how it got to the point of me removing all of the toys, TV & movies from her room but I did. Daddy finally stepped in & HELPED me with her. She throws this BIG hissy fit, screaming & crying & stomping all through the house. This happens often. I stood my ground even when I felt horrible about removing all the fun things from her bedroom. I even tried to talk to her in a calm manner. She begged for her TV back & I told her again she could have her TV & movies back tommorrow if she was good all day tommorrow. Then she begged to her Daddy & he told her the same thing. He told her that he was tired of her talking to me that way & it needed to stop.

I don't know what to do. It doesn't matter how much time I spend with her alone or what we do. She is not happy unless she has ALL of my individual attention. I have TWO kids & I really do my best to spend individual time with both of them as well as together.

When I actually did get to TALK to her tonight she told me that she doesn't know how to pick up her toys. I KNOW she does because she can pick them up & put them away properly when she wants something.

I am at a total loss of how to deal with her. She is good to her sister & good to her Daddy but she seems to have a real problem with me for some reason. Maybe it is because I am the one that stays at home with the kids. Maybe it is because I am the one that handles the discipline. Maybe it is just because...I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I am completely exhausted by the constant power struggle with an almost 5 year old. I THOUGHT I was good Mom but many days I have my doubts. She behaves when we are out places, puts things that she gets out away without me even asking, she says please, thank you & excuse me. I KNOW I am doing something right. WHY am I her constant target of frustration. She doesn't even talk to me, she YELLS everything to me. She stands right in front of me & YELLS intead of talking to me. I nicely remind her to use her indoor voice & it works....until the next sentence.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I told her, once she calmed down, she was going to have to earn her toys back by being good & listening to me. She seemed to understand that. I hope it works because I am flat out of ideas on how to deal with this.