Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

> >> >
> >> > Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
> >> >
> >> > December 8 6:00 PM
> >> >
> >> > It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
> >> > the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
> >> > the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
> >> > from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
> >> > romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 9
> >> >
> >> > We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
> >> > covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
> >> > sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
> >> > the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
> >> > ever had!
> >> > Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
> >> > boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
> >> > This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
> >> > up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
> >> > to shovel again. What a perfect life!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 12
> >> >
> >> > The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
> >> > disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
> >> > we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
> >> > Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
> >> > snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
> >> > snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
> >> > a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 14
> >> >
> >> > Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
> >> > temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
> >> > sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
> >> > up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
> >> > the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
> >> > buried everything again. I didn't
> >> > realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
> >> > but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
> >> > I wouldn't huff and puff so.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 15
> >> >
> >> > 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
> >> > Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
> >> > extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
> >> > a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
> >> > that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 16
> >> >
> >> > Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
> >> > the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
> >> > wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
> >> > cruel.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 17
> >> >
> >> > Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
> >> > anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
> >> > pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
> >> > stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
> >> > should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
> >> > her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
> >> > I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 20
> >> >
> >> > Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
> >> > the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
> >> > day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
> >> > Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
> >> > they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
> >> > lying.
> >> > Called the only hardware store around to see about
> >> > buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
> >> > another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
> >> > says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
> >> > and bill me. I think he's lying.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 22
> >> >
> >> > Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
> >> > inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
> >> > it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
> >> > to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
> >> > had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
> >> > dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
> >> > hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
> >> > the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
> >> > asshole is lying.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 23
> >> >
> >> > Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
> >> > The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
> >> > this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
> >> > Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
> >> > says she did but I think she's lying.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 24
> >> >
> >> > 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
> >> > the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
> >> > ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
> >> > plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
> >> > beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
> >> > hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
> >> > shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
> >> > miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
> >> > been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
> >> > carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
> >> > busy watching for the damn snowplow.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 25
> >> >
> >> > Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
> >> > slop tonight - Snowed in
> >> > The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
> >> > the snow!
> >> > Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
> >> > and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
> >> > says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
> >> > idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
> >> > more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 26
> >> >
> >> > Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
> >> > was all HER idea.
> >> > She's really getting on my nerves.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 27
> >> >
> >> > Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
> >> > plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
> >> > only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 28
> >> >
> >> > Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
> >> > driving me crazy!!!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 29
> >> >
> >> > 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
> >> > it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
> >> > heard. How dumb does he think I am?
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 30
> >> >
> >> > Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
> >> > he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
> >> > beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
> >> > broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
> >> > her mother.
> >> > Nine more inches predicted.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > December 31
> >> >
> >> > I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
> >> > shoveling.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > January 8
> >> >
> >> > Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
> >> > they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
> >> >